IF YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN. YOU CAN.

I'm Sophie and I'm 19 and living in North London, I am hoping to study illustration this year. I have also been in recovery from anorexia nervosa since May 2011 and this is my little blog of what I get up to day to day.
 I suffered badly and it nearly took away everything I had. I like to think I can offer help and advice to anyone suffering or at least can just be there to listen if you need to talk. Ask me Anything!
Posts I Like

I need some help adding in foods again after a long time of not eating them.

I’m determined to bring them back, I really am, but finding it hard to do it alone, I won’t go into a list as that would be unhelpful for everyone but there are some that are so irrational.

I mean, I haven’t had butter in 5 years, what person can’t put butter on a piece of toast? What person can’t eat cakes friends have made?

At dinner tonight I had pasta with a veg sauce and just months ago I would have happily added cheese where as now it’s become a massive fear and I can’t even put things near it. I keep saying it makes me feel ill / I don’t like the taste but I can see it makes mum sad as she knows I’m a cheese lover and ways have been, sigh.

I’m really trying and determined but it’s not easy doing this alone.

It’s so nice to find out through Facebook how you haven’t been invited to something with all your ‘friends’

I really don’t blame them.

Asker Anonymous Asks:
where do you study illustration?
sophie-melissa sophie-melissa Said:

Well, I am re-starting at Falmouth in Cornwall x

a tip: weight doesn't have a massive bearing on inpatient-- quality of health and danger to yourself (especially if not admitted) plays a big factor!
sophie-melissa sophie-melissa Said:

Sadly around where I live, it does tend to, I think that may also be because of the lack of beds but I remember my first appointment with adult services after I had come out of the adolescent treatment centre and I was told it wouldn’t be an option for me anymore as I was ‘nowhere near that weight now’

Which was hard as obviously I had gained a lot but was then struggling. I don’t want anything like that now though as I plan to go to university in September so need to do this at home.

Thank you though! x

Asker emmarose1019 Asks:
Has your doctor taken an "ABG" (arterial blood gas) when you are experiencing these symptoms? This is a great way to tell if the numbness/tingling might be due to anxiety.
sophie-melissa sophie-melissa Said:

Thank you so much for this, I’ve published it so I can refer back to it. I don’t think they have checked that so I will mention it when I next see my GP.

This has been so helpful I really can’t thank you enough x

Asker emmarose1019 Asks:
In response to your recent post, yes, numbness and tingling can be due to hyperventilation associated with anxiety. Sometimes, you won't realize it, but your breathing will speed up when you are anxious. This results in low carbon dioxide in your blood, and this causes the tingling and numbness, often in your hands, feet, and face (especially around the lips). It can also cause cramps and lightheadedness. Try googling "respiratory alkalosis" (healthline. com/health/respiratory-alkalosis)
sophie-melissa sophie-melissa Said:

cont

Someone asked me how there can be a degree on illustration, and laughed at it.

You should have seen my reply, it was bitchy, sarcastic and informative all at the same time. 

I hate people.

These are ridiculously tasty.

I’m off to the shop now JUST to stock up on them 🙈

Gosh I need to get these thoughts out, so a bit of honesty.

I need to go to Uni in September, this is not debatable.

At the same time it’s a big priority to find out what this numbness is caused by and also sort out my eating. I don’t know how to do it as outpatient isn’t helping me and obviously my weight is too high for inpatient (not an excuse to lose and I want to move out) but I am so stuck.

I can’t add these foods in on my own, and I don’t want to gain eating only super safe foods. I can’t not weigh this stuff, I can enjoy things around food, I can’t eat things I used to like. I will admit I have so many rules at the moment and it’s all gotten a lot worse, this is causing me to be so anxious.

I’m just stuck in a rut and not sure how to get through this

I’m sorting through and deleting photos on my phone and came across this screenshot from March / April (don’t ask) and it made me realise how sick I allowed myself to get AGAIN. I don’t look well and I remember being so old that day.

I was doing so well last year and I passed it off as a slip up due to leaving uni but in reality I relapsed and was letting myself, yes I’m trying now but I’m struggling so much and I regret letting myself get to this state :(